Dating Apps-olutely Not: Part I

Dating apps. Who invented them and why? I mean, I know why, but seriously, WHY? And more importantly, why has society changed so much that it’s virtually impossible to meet anyone without using one? Wouldn’t it be ten times easier (not to mention less nauseating) to simply make up my mind to forgo the entire “dating scene”, adopt twenty cats and enjoy them until I die—alone? *Sigh*. These are the kinds of questions that I have been asking myself recently.

Many, many moons ago, I found myself suddenly single, which was the last state of being I expected to revisit. After several months of contemplation and reflection, I finally decided that as much as I love felines, they don’t make very good life partners. I mean, they only last a handful of years and I’d really like to have a relationship with a species that doesn’t shed their body hair all over my clothes and furniture.

Or poop in a box of scented gravel.

Or scratch my armchair in the middle of the night when they think I’m not looking.

Or lick themselves in front of guests.

The problem is…I’d have to actually look for such a being. Never mind. Does anyone have the number to the pet adoption center? I’ll take four.

The majority of my female friends are still unmarried. The majority of my female friends are also single. I’ve often tried to figure out why that is, but it isn’t something I’ve been able to determine. It’s complicated. Between being picky and unrealistic or misdirected and lazy, there are a multitude of factors contributing to our singleness. Wow. That’s actually a word. I was totally waiting for spellcheck to be like, “Nope.” Anyway, of these single female friends of mine, many of them have been dabbling in the (scary) world of dating apps.  I only say “scary” due to the stories I have heard them (and other women our age) tell. If you knew what I know, you would fully understand why I’ve been trying to avoid dating apps. It’s not a pretty situation.


And So It Began…

Despite my friends’ lack of success on the apps they’ve tried, I finally brought myself to  check one out. You have to play to win, right? *Eye roll* Something like that. I recently attempted to join one app in particular, but I was so mortified by the men I encountered, I had my account deactivated within the first two hours. Rough start? Absolutely. I joined another app and have managed to stay put for a whole four days. What a streak! If I’m perfectly honest, I’m ready to get off this one too, but I’ll get into why in a later post.

As usual, I had to fill out the little “About Me” area, which is the bane of every online dater’s existence. I mean, does anyone in the world actually like filling out their profile? I  tried to take it as seriously as I could and put a reasonable effort into writing my summary, but I failed miserably. Don’t even ask me what I said because I don’t remember. It was basically a chance for me to ramble nonsensically, jumping from topic to topic without a care in the world. I’m sure it wasn’t my finest moment.

All I really cared about was having proper spelling and grammar. Outside of that, I allowed myself to be as sardonic and unattached as possible. I’m good at being vague and even better at serving intelligent aloofness, so I utilized both. I don’t have high hopes of meeting anyone in particular—not for marriage, not for friendship, not for coffee, not for watching the grass grow. So, does it really matter what I said? As it stands, I’m thinking not. Besides, I don’t have my heart completely in it to begin with. I really want nothing to do with this entire thing, but I figured that I could at least be on the lookout and keep an open mind. If nothing else, maybe I’ll stumble across someone for one of my friends.


Probably not.


What I’m Looking For

I have no clue. Okay, that’s a downright lie. I need to stop saying “I don’t know” simply because I have little to no faith of finding it on a dating app. People find suitable partners on these sites and apps all the time. Some folks date for awhile, others date for a long while and others even get married. I know it’s possible, it just doesn’t feel likely. Why? Well, mostly because I’m a fairly strange bird. I am a very certain kind of person that will probably only appeal to a certain kind of person. Plus, I’m only attracted to certain kinds of people.

If I haven’t managed to confuse the heck out of you by now and you’re still somewhat following along, then you realize my conundrum. Not only do I have to find someone I like, but that someone has to also like me back. Does that make sense? Well, even if it doesn’t, let’s just say that it is a wonder that I’ve ever been in a relationship at all! The odds of finding just the right person for me are so iffy. It’s like winning the lottery when the odds are 1 in 10,000,000. It certainly feels that way, at least.

Life would be much easier if I were a particularly picky person. I’d have a little laundry list and I could quickly filter people out by simply looking for the things listed. I could search for a thirty-one year old, Manhattan-born, Harvard medical school graduate named Connor P. Hollingsworth, who is exactly 6 feet tall with one blue eye and one green eye—oh, and he owns a Russian Blue named Pita Jane. I would probably be greeted by a dialogue box stating “No Matches Were Found”, determine that my desires were wildly unrealistic and go about my merry little way.

However, I’m not a picky person. I simply like a whole lot of different things packaged just right. Sure, there are a few fundamental qualities that I’d really need to have in a partner, but for the most part, the rest of the stuff is very…random. Maybe I like a long lumberjack beard on one guy, but like a clean shaven face on another. Perhaps I like a guitar playing, brooding hipster one day, but prefer a suited up, loud-mouthed banker the next. It’s not that clean cut for me.


What I’ve Found

Again, I have no clue. It’s been…interesting so far, let’s say that much. As many different men as there are on this app (which I won’t disclose the name of for users’ privacy), they aren’t appearing to be all that dissimilar. In fact, the majority of guys I have seen so far fall into the following male archetypes:

  • Those who are highly insecure and wouldn’t say hi to their own shadow if you paid them to
  • Those who are probably too busy for the type of relationship they claim to be seeking
  • Those who want to sound too busy for the type of relationship they claim to be seeking
  • Those who are clearly cat fishing with their fake backstories and fake pictures they stole from some poor unsuspecting chap’s Instagram/Snapchat account
  • Foreigners seeking green cards
  • Foreigners not seeking green cards
  • Cocky, arrogant jerks who clearly love themselves more than they could ever fathom loving another human being
  • Cocky, arrogant jerks who could love someone else—as long as you message them first, have a million pictures of yourself playing Indiana Jones down by Machu Picchu, spend your days developing the cure for cancer and have a side job as a Victoria’s Secret model
  • Average guys who shamelessly harp on and play up their averageness, to the extent of being downright self-deprecating—in a way that is extremely unattractive
  • Guys who are clearly bitter AF due to whatever they’ve experienced with other women
  • Guys who talk too much
  • Guys who don’t talk at all
  • Guys who want to sleep with anything that walks
  • Guys who want to sleep with anything that doesn’t walk
  • Guys who are not otherwise specified


Of course, I can’t throw everyone into one of these categories and say, “That’s it, folks! That’s all there is!” It’s really tempting to want to do that after going through countless profiles and winding up completely empty-handed, but even I can admit that it runs much deeper than that.


Any Luck So Far?

As it stands, I haven’t come across anyone who has made me stop and think, “Wow! I’d love to get to know that guy!” It simply hasn’t happened. Wait. No. There was one guy. ONE. However, something embarrassing occurred with him, so he doesn’t count anymore. It truly wasn’t my fault, but by the time I realized what had happened I was humiliated—whatever! 😀  I dunno…it’s just hard to connect with people through a screen, imo. The things that attract me to most people can’t be demonstrated in 100 characters or less.

I have messaged a few people, but not many. Half the time, I am messaging them just to see what they say back to my weird questions that have absolutely nothing to do with me being interested in them. I suppose everyone has been so downright boring that I’m starting to just go on there to cause a ruckus. At least it has been fun looking at everyone’s pet pictures. I’m starting to like Fido and Fluffy more than their owners.

A lot of men have shown interest using the app’s passive little “I’m into you” feature, but isn’t that a bit of a cop out? You like what you see/read, yet you don’t bother to actually message someone? Meh. I don’t get that.

Out of the people who have messaged me on their own and I’ve had “conversations” with, I am attracted to 0% of them. There’s no mental connection, no physical attraction, no real commonality, no nothing. The closest thing to chemistry that’s going on between us is the cycle of oxygen and CO2 throughout my body while I snore—the conversations have been that drab. I couldn’t conjure a spark if I lit an actual match to it…I’m just not feeling anything they are serving. I’ve found myself having to direct the conversations and keep the pace up or else I’d truly fall asleep on them, which isn’t the best sign. None of them have any hobbies or stories to tell. They seem to just be there. Like a rock. They seem to be enjoying our exchanges, but I can’t say I’m on the same page. :/

I’ve made it a point to respond to everyone who has sent me a message even though I knew they weren’t my type. I guess a lot of women simply don’t respond at all, but I find that to be extremely rude. Is it really that hard to simply say, “Thanks, but no thanks”? YES. It actually is. Unlike those folks who ghost people as though they never received their message in the first place, I feel compelled to respond and respond….and respond some more. I really struggle to end the conversation. I know they aren’t my cup of tea and I know I’m really not theirs either (even though some of them already sound dead sure I am), but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Some of them seem extremely lonely (and even borderline desperate), so I don’t want to be rude, you know? Telling someone the truth doesn’t have to be rude, but it still seems as though it would be. Ugh. I need to work on this.



There are a few things I have seen while perusing the app that have left me face palming so hard that you could probably see a hand print on my forehead if you looked really, really, really close. Now, right off the bat, I want everyone to know that this entire little series is mostly for comedic effect. I am in no way judging or putting anyone down for their decisions, feelings, opinions, or whatever else. I do things that make some people scratch their heads and some people do things that make me wonder what planet they’re really from—it’s all good. Everyone is different, I get it. However, I definitely want to share three of the curious things I’ve seen over the last few days and comment accordingly:

“Is nannying even a real job?”

Some random guy had this in his profile and I simply could not believe how rude this was. FYI, I’m not a nanny, but I felt really sad for the women on there who read this and are. There are so many things I could say to someone like this, but unfortunately, the ignorance runs so thick with this guy that I know any common sense would fail to penetrate it. That being said, who actually questions whether nannying is a real job? First of all, any task for which you are monetarily compensated is a job. I actually nannied for a brief period during college. I performed services for parents and I showed up to their homes every single day. One of my friends actually continued working as a nanny for years after I stopped. Like it or not, it pays people’s bills. Whether it’s full-time, part-time, long-term or just a day…it’s a “job”.

Secondly, it isn’t like nannying is an imaginary position. It’s not as though women are on there claiming to be dragon tamers and teachers of magic at Hogwarts, for crying out loud. I don’t know. This totally rubbed me the wrong way because I didn’t think it was very kind or considerate of anyone else’s feelings. He also made disparaging and snide comments about two other perfectly respectful professions. If I could personally apologize to every nanny on the app for him, I would. I guess this mini rant will have to do.

“Are you there still, boo?”

This was a message I received from an individual I previously exchanged only a handful of messages with. I spoke to him on that one occasion. When I decided to do something else, I shut the app down and went on with my life. He continued to talk, but I figured he would get the hint that I was busy and would respond whenever I could. This guy was over here thinking I was going to keep the app open all night and all day just to talk to him!

Just because I had stopped messaging he started blowing up my inbox as though I’d suddenly been abducted by aliens. After I didn’t respond the remainder of the night, he sends the “check up” text in the morning—bright and early. Of course I was “still there”. I wasn’t actively on the app, but I saw the notifications pushing through. Was it rude for me to not stop what I was doing and say I was busy? I truthfully wasn’t trying to be. Maybe I was just under the false assumption that the messaging feature was more like…an email. You know, not so immediate. Meanwhile, he’s acting like it’s a direct 24/7 line to me. Yeah….no. I have bills, Timmy.

And then the kicker…he called me “boo“. Nope. Please don’t, sir. I’m sorry, but I can’t even. Do people even still call people “boo”? Now I’m afraid to go back on there. 😀 What on Earth do I say to that? A cringe came over me when I saw the notification pop up on my screen because I don’t even know the guy. I am not your “boo”. I’m a perfect stranger, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know…am I unjustifiably disturbed? Or is this something that would make you shudder as well?

The worst part about it? I have more stories about this guy. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. SMH.

Guns in profile pictures

No. Just no. I realize I live in the backwoods of Lord only knows where all, but why is this a thing? I have come across so many guys with pictures posted of them posing with or shooting off their guns that I couldn’t believe my eyes. Trust me, I understand how it is to live in the Midwest. There’s woods, which brings all sorts of little woodland creatures. Some folks like to put their camouflage on and hunt…I get it. If you want to go all Duck Dynasty on me, that’s totally your prerogative. After all, some people like knitting, some like watching movies and others like…shooting stuff.

I guess what surprised me was that they would think it’s…becoming to flash guns around when they are supposed to be looking for a relationship. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe it is attractive to people. I’m a total dating pariah. Furthermore, what the heck do I know about what most women go for? That isn’t exactly my speciality. What I do know is that it sort of left a funny taste in my mouth. A funny taste as in, “I was completely freaked out”. I just don’t see why a fellow needs to post a firearms picture after clearly stating that he likes hunting. In the context of dating, what on Earth is a gun photo going to tell me? I mean, outside of the fact that you have the potential to skillfully shoot me between the eyes from fifty yards away before burying me in a ditch in the woods? How romantic! Not.


Let The Social Experiment Begin!

As you can see, things have been rather…strange for me so far. I have no idea how long I will be able to continue this whole thing, but I hope to chronicle my experiences and thoughts for as long as I can hang in there. If there’s a miracle, I’ll meet the guy of my dreams. If I’m lucky, I’ll make a new acquaintance/friend or two. And if worst comes to worst, please remember to check all the woods around my house. ‘Til next time, golden guys and dolls!



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