The time has come for me to finally update you guys on my dating app adventures! Starting with this post, I will be introducing you to some of the more memorable characters that I’ve “met”. I’ve had the chance to interact with numerous guys—-some more than others—-and each exchange has been…interesting, for a lack of a better and more accurate word. At best, I hope these little posts will inspire some laughs and help anyone who has gone through similar experiences (and actually survived) feel less alone in the world. If nothing else, they’ll serve as a reason why parents tell kids to never speak to strangers.
I’ve taken the last few weeks since my initial post in this series to gather my mental notes and come up with the best method of sharing my feelings about my experiences: Comics! If you see me drawing these guys with paper bags on their heads, it’s my way of “concealing their true identities” while still giving you an idea of how I personally viewed them. Some of the comics will be exaggerated as a means of summarizing my total experience with them, but for the most part, I’m going to depict them as accurately as possible. Probably.
Please take whatever I draw or say about these guys as a joke. I don’t know any of these individuals in a personal capacity, so my only knowledge of them is whatever craziness they’ve exposed me to. Also, please keep in mind that I’m just “okay” when it comes to drawing. I don’t work for Marvel—-sue me (please don’t). I simply got a new tech toy that helps me take my usual doodles from notepad to screen. I’ll probably be drawing more for my story times and such from this point forward. I apologize in advance. 😉
An Odd Coinkydink
The first guy that I’d like to introduce you to actually contacted me the night I posted my introduction to the series. If you missed that part, I highly recommend that you take a few moments to check it out so we can get you filled in on the situation. However, if you were right there to witness my sad descent into the circus that is virtual dating, stop laughing at me! But no, seriously, you may remember me making up this ridiculously specific fictional man that I said would be the ideal partner for me. What was his name again?
Connor P. Hollingsworth.
Well! Aren’t we posh? He probably takes dinner at the country club and owns a monogrammed bath robe with matching house loafers. I wonder what the “P” would stand for. I’m not sure that I can think of too many male names that start with “P” off the top of my head.
Okay, okay…now I’m just plain goofing off. Sorry. And I wonder why I’m single. But hey, if you know any guys who are particularly fond of dating clowns with a penchant for distractibility, I’m free—-obviously.
Enough about Connor Pickle-juice Hollingsworth. My entire point about this imaginary fellow (with an undoubtedly awful middle name) is that he was supposed to be a complete farce. I never expected to meet a doctor from Manhattan who has a cat named Tortilla Tammy or whatever its name was supposed to be. I simply made the guy up on a whim. Or did I?
After finishing my post and logging back into the app, I was swamped with messages. I’m genuinely not saying that to brag and you’d know that for yourself if you could see some of the guys who were messaging me! It was the strangest thing because it was a Friday night. I had totally thought, “Okay, it’s Friday. It’s the end of the work week. Everyone is going to be out and about having fun on the town, so I’ll be able to chill out and take a look around on the app without being disturbed.” Yeeaah, how about not?
Everyone and their second cousin named Susie was on the app that night. I couldn’t understand it one bit. Instead of being able to sit down with my customary evening cup of coffee to flip through profiles, my phone was blowing up with notifications. It wasn’t even a local epidemic either. There were guys from here to Dubai sending all kinds of “likes” and messages. Remember how I said I was having a hard time ignoring guys I knew I wasn’t interested in? Well, this was still the case. I felt compelled to acknowledge every. single. guy.
One of the guys I received a message from was actually quite good looking. Though looks genuinely aren’t that important to me (anyone who knows me personally knows this to be true), I had long since noticed that I wasn’t finding too many guys on the app to be physically attractive—-even by my fairly flexible standards. This is why I was truly surprised to see someone who actually made me do a double-take. The feature that immediately stood out was his amazing hair. It was perfect. I usually prefer guys with dark, longish hair (think Patrick Dempsey or Elvis Presley) who take the time to style it. This guy had that down to an absolute science. Even from the one photo that showed on his message, I could tell that he was a really nice dresser as well—-check and check.
I actually don’t remember what his initial message was anymore, but I know that I didn’t waste any time clicking on his profile in order to see what he was all about. Up until that point, he had the longest, most engaging profile that I had seen throughout my time on the app. I truthfully didn’t read every single word he wrote due to how lengthy it was. I’m a pretty skilled speed reader though, so I quickly skimmed, stopping whenever I came across something particularly fascinating or essential.
Among other things, he talked about being an avid reader, a talented griller and a great conversationalist. He seemed cultured, intellectual and wonderfully multi-faceted—-all the things I’d be interested in. I was rather intrigued by this point because the guys I’d been coming across (especially local ones) weren’t well read or well traveled. Most of them had barely been out of their respective counties, so they really weren’t the best match for my wanderlust. I was actually starting to think I’d have a good time getting to know this guy. It seemed like a match made in dating app heaven until I saw the real kicker: He was a doctor living in Manhattan.
Tell me that doesn’t sound like Connor Pinafore Hollingsworth. Well…kinda.
He Must Be A Gastroenterologist Because He’s Full Of Crap
By then, I was totally skeptical. I’m not trying to be a joy kill or anything and I’m seriously not trying to put dating apps down (all that much), but was I really to believe that this guy was a doctor? Is that really a thing? And it wasn’t like he was just a general practitioner either (not that there is anything wrong with GP’s)—-he was claiming to be a specialist. A specialist who should have plenty of patients to care for on a daily basis to the point where there is little to no way that they’d have time to be concerned with dating apps. I mean, I don’t know every single doctor in the world. Maybe some doctors do have time to be meeting random wahoos off the Internet…it just doesn’t seem likely to me for some reason.
To me, it just seemed like a profession you’d claim to have if you were a total scam artist, but wanted to impress people. I know a lot of different guys who have tried online dating and they have all sorts of jobs. Attorneys, restaurant managers, landscapers, engineers, realtors—-the list goes on and on. If the guy had been like, “Yo, I flip burgers and mess up drive-thru orders for a living,” I would have totally believed him. However, there is just something about him claiming to be a doctor that didn’t seem right.
I guess the thing that made me suspicious is the fact that most doctors are quite busy with their practices and personal lives. Do they really have the time to sit around on a dating app on a Friday night? I know that doctors are single just like other professionals, but still. Doctors are around people all the time. Between acquaintances at work, people they went to school with and everyone in between, do they need a dating app to meet people?
Also, if you were a doctor, would you necessarily advertise that all over your dating profile? I don’t know, maybe some people would. I think that I would only offer that information if someone expressly asked me what I did, but whatever…I’m weird. Call me suspicious. Heck, call me paranoid. Call me whatever, but you aren’t going to be calling me “Nigerian scammed” because I don’t believe a damned thing that people say online. That being said, I decided to proceed, but with extreme caution.
After perusing his profile, I ended up responding to his message before checking out the remaining profile pictures. Like I said, I’m not entirely concerned with a guy’s looks outside of finding him relatively fun to look at, so I figured I would look at the photos later on. The conversation started off pretty normal. He was a perfect gentleman. We exchanged normal pleasantries concerning how our day had been and if we were enjoying our night so far. Since I had seen that he was into cooking too, I asked him what kinds of foods he liked cooking/eating. He listed off a slew of Indian foods before returning the question. I mentioned enjoying various Asian and Mexican dishes, to which he replied, “You shouldn’t eat too many spicy foods. It’s bad for your stomach.”
Maybe I’m just too particular about things, but is it normal to ask a complete stranger what kinds of foods they like before giving them your dietary recommendations? I mean, it’s not as though I’d said that I love eating jalapeño encrusted chimichangas, but usually end up clutching the toilet afterwards. I mean, it’s just tacos and fried rice. I never said anything about eating crates of ghost peppers or chugging bottles of Tapatio. All the same, I kind of brushed the awkward comment off and chalked it up to him being a doctor. I mean, he wasn’t the sort of physician that would have anything to do with stomachs (especially mine), but you never know.
I kind of figured that it was just his weird “doctor thing”. Have you ever noticed that about doctors? If you ever get to know one (outside of them shoving popsicles sticks places they don’t belong), they all seem to have this one quirk that’s totally off the wall. They might be total superstars in the operating room, but catch them after-hours? Good luck. Some are drunkards, some pop more pills than they actually prescribe, some have private lives as messy as a pig pen—-they usually always have something. Perhaps this guy simply went around fretting about people’s colon health all day long.
As we continued to talk, I quickly realized that he was not only overly concerned with my intestinal lining, but was also as dull as dirt. I couldn’t get the right balance with this guy. When he wasn’t gushing over my various body systems, he was nearly braindead. The entire time I was sitting there wondering what happened to whoever had written his profile. The guy in the profile was witty, lively and intriguing. The guy I was chatting back and forth with was vacant as a desert. He simply had no pep in his step, no get up in his go. I mean, sure, he would respond. However, there was little to no life in his words or personality. So much for being “a great conversationalist”. I was bored out of my skull about five minutes into the conversation, but I was committed to giving everyone a fair a chance. It was the end of the week, maybe he was tired. I also understand that some people are just shy or slow to warm up to people in the beginning, but gosh. Things were ice cold and getting colder.
The most pep I saw from him is when I started asking him how long he’d been living in Manhattan and shared that I thought it would be a place I’d like to visit one day. He proceeded to say that I would “love it” and basically insinuated that I would come visit him. Huh? No, no, no, buddy. Pump the brakes. I just realized you existed, like, twenty minutes ago. I was still trying to ascertain whether or not he even had a soul—-visiting him was the furthest thing from my idea of a foreseeable possibility. Of course, when I said something about it being awfully early in the game to be making such predictions, he back pedaled and tried to make it sound as though the entire notion had been my idea. Right. You don’t have to lie to kick it, kid.
At one point, he asked me what kinds of guys I liked. This is one question that I simply hate being asked because the answer is so complex and involved. It’s never something I feel like discussing on the fly, even though I know it is a perfectly normal and acceptable thing to ask. When I opted out of answering the question by saying I was just “going with the flow and keeping my options open”, he didn’t seemed too fussed anyway. Go figure. Is a rock ever bothered if you move it from one place to the next? Exactly. This is precisely how this guy was. I decided to flip the question back on him and do you know what he had the nerve to say?
“Women with nice lips—-like yours.”
Ummmm. Gross. I’m sorry, but I do not view comments like that as compliments, I really don’t. It would be one thing if I knew you, but things like this never rub me the right way when they come from randoms off the street (or in this case, a dating app). I mean, I realize that I didn’t even answer the question when he asked me, but that’s better than saying what he did, in my honest opinion. Why don’t people focus on something more fundamental and important like intelligence, compassion or ambition? If lips are all it takes to make a person a good fit for you, I’m gravely concerned about your wellbeing. I got to feeling pretty nauseous by this time—-and it wasn’t all my “spicy food” that caused it.
Toto, I Don’t Think We’re In Manhattan Anymore
Sometime during the conversation, I decided to finally take a look at his profile photos and try to figure out if the guy in the profile had simply been abducted by aliens. As I mentioned before, the guy in the photos was really attractive. Great hair, beautiful smile, perfectly coordinated clothes. The backdrops of the photos were really nice as well. He was often posing outside in the sunshine on a crystal clear day. However, my inner sleuth started noticing something interesting about the photos that had me cocking an eyebrow.
None of the photos looked like Manhattan. None of the photos looked as though they’d been taken in the entire state of New York. In fact, I don’t think any of the photos were even taken in this country. This is not to say that he couldn’t have chosen to use pictures he’d snapped while on vacation, but why did nearly all of them look as though he were on the set of The Jungle Book? Red flag. I’m sorry, but as nice as I think monkeys are, I really shouldn’t see them swinging from the jungle vines in the background of all your photos.
I tried to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I really did try to write this off and simply assume that he really liked taking photos in exotic locales, but then I saw a photo of him in a hospital. He was dressed in typical doctor attire, but it was the most basic hospital I had ever seen. It looked like one of those makeshift medical clinics they erect in third world countries with one cot, a mosquito net and dirt floors. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to catch malaria and only have that facility to turn to. While I have never visited a New York medical facility, I am pretty sure that they don’t look like the room I saw in his photo. Something just wasn’t vibing with his story. Red flag.
The Verdict Is In
After awhile, I became absolutely exhausted by the amount of energy I had to expend to keep the conversation from fizzling out. Trying to get the guy to liven up was an impossible task. I ended up saying that I was tired (Yeah, from him!) and was going to log off for the night. The conversation ended as cordially as it had begun. We went on and on about it being nice to have met…and that we “enjoyed” our conversation. I left him with the impression that I’d keep in touch with him. I never spoke to him again. I’m still tired from the conversation.
Overall, I’m not entirely sure what to say about this guy. Do I really believe he was a doctor living in Manhattan? No. Do I have any definitive proof that he was lying? Of course not. However, there isn’t any proof that he was telling the truth either. There were so many curious things about his story—-none of it seemed to match what I was actually seeing/experiencing. I mean, if he’d been living in New York for three years, why didn’t he have any photos of him in the city? No Times Square. No Central Park. Sheesh, there wasn’t anything in the photos that indicated that the person in them had ever stepped foot on American soil! You’ve got to admit that it’s a bit odd. And even if he’d lived in the depths of the jungle before relocating to Manhattan, surely you shouldn’t be using pictures from 3+ years ago, right? Please correct me if I’m completely off-base here.
And what was up with how emotionless and boring he was? He was absolutely nothing like his profile read. I know that some people have others write their profiles for them, but what good would that be if it’s like total night and day? This was a real case of false advertising, if you ask me. In fact, I’m not even sure that the guy I spoke to was actually the person in the pictures (location and profession aside). The guy in the photos truly looked as though he’d be a good time. He was constantly smiling and had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Trust me, the guy I spoke to had no “twinkle” going on anywhere. Heck, he barely had any life in him! Based on his profile alone, you would have thought he was a constant party. Actually talking to him, however, was more of a funeral—-just you and the corpse.
Let’s just say that if this guy is a doctor, he probably doesn’t have many patients left. Maybe that’s why he has so much free time to spend on dating apps. I mean, a patient could flat line and he honestly seemed like he would simply look at them with a blank stare and say, “Okay.” Maybe if he ate more spicy food and worried less about other people’s digestive habits, he’d be more feisty…or something. Anything.
Believe me, I’m not foolish enough to think that you can always accurately judge a person just by talking to them through a dating app. Dating can be plenty awkward enough, so it is a real possibility that he was simply uncomfortable and feeling out of his element. I’m not sure how “myself” I was being while talking to him either, but I’d like to think that I was ten times more animated than he was. As for figuring out if the guy was the real deal or not, I would have had to continue talking to him. Asking more questions and gathering more information might have helped me come to a more definitive conclusion. However, the act of trying to get to know him was so painful that I no longer cared whether he was telling the truth or not.
The combination of this guy being really boring and having peculiar photos were simply a bit too much for me. I have a rather…robust personality, so it is hard to imagine being friends (much less romantically coupled) with someone so drab. I mean, how on Earth would I even get to know them if they barely say anything? Every time I would ask him something he would provide a short answer. When he would ask me something in return and I would answer, he’d simply say, “Okay”, followed by a period of awkward silence. Okay, what? That gave me absolutely nothing to go off of. Why message me if you aren’t going to say anything of consequence?