Why does it feel as though I haven’t been on here in over a decade? It’s hardly been a week, but I swear it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve last posted something. Perhaps it is my own guilty conscience. Once upon a time—back when I first launched the site—I had intended on posting something every single day. Every. Single. Day. I figured that at the very least I could come on and just chit chat about my thoughts, feelings and whatever random things were unfolding in my life. Sure, that sounded great…in theory. Now that I’m finding myself bogged down by every new miniature crisis that pops up in my personal life, demanding my immediate attention, daily posts sound about as realistic as finding a unicorn in my underwear drawer. It’s probably not going to happen. Probably. Then again, you really never know what you might find in there because I rarely bother to keep the thing organized.
Anyway, I decided tonight would be as good a time as any to try this “daily” posting thing—even if it is simply me coming on here to ramble about whatever nonsense is flying through my head. I used to be so good at self-disclosure…I mean, back when I was much, much younger. I started my first blog when I was about 13 and boy, did I tell ALL! No one was safe from my lethal fingers. Every breakup, every argument, every gripe I experienced was carefully documented across thousands of posts. Sure, it was messy AF, but it was fun. There was just a frankness to my writing that I still love looking back on. I didn’t shy away from talking about the ups and downs of my life, so even though they were often crass and downright inappropriate, my posts were unfiltered, relatable and real.
Now things are just different. Despite often wanting to come on here and talk about my life in greater detail, I usually tuck tail and abort the mission. I feel stifled…censored even. Back in the day, my ramblings were only enjoyed by close friends and complete strangers. I could be as outrageous and candid as I wanted to be because no one was going to slap me on the wrist for being “too open”. Now, even my parents read the stuff that I post here. As much as I love them, there are just some things that aren’t for their eyes lol.
Furthermore, I’m old enough to now understand that the world simply doesn’t need to know all of your business all of the time. I’m not sure that I really mind you guys knowing “my business” (whatever that is), but I do care about other people telling me that I should care about you guys knowing “my business”. Ugh. Despite being a grown adult and realistically having the ability to do whatever and say whatever I want to, it never seems as though I feel comfortable enough to take full advantage of those liberties. I’m always worried that someone is going to pop out from somewhere to tell me, “Oooooo! You shouldn’t have said that. I’m telling…” Childish? Yes. An actual (irrational) concern of mine? Absolutely.
I originally made this site in hopes of helping other people by sharing my personal experiences. I’ve gone through some pretty…interesting…things in my life, both good and disastrous. I know that if I talked about some of those past experiences, it could potentially assist someone. The dilemma here is: How can I share my personal experiences if I never talk about my personal experiences? Unless you guys have telepathy, I’m thinking that it’s not exactly possible. Self-disclosure is key, but I’m struggling to reclaim a mastery of it.
I’m Only Extroverted On Days That End In ‘Y’
Besides, for anyone on here who doesn’t already know me personally (hi, to anyone who does), you might be curious about me. Sure, you know I like to shop, dabble in beauty products and play video games, but (surprise, surprise) I have a lot more substance to me than that. Ah! That actually reminds me of the second reason I started 24KAD. Though I have never been a shy person, I am a highly (and I mean, highly) reserved person. It is very hard for people to get to know me…the real me. My ex-boyfriend, who actually knew me extremely well, used to say that I was an “introvert” like himself. WRONG. I would always argue that I’m outgoing, yet curiously observant. I like to feel people out before engaging with them. It isn’t a matter of being shy, nervous or anything like that, but he wouldn’t listen to me.
Well, he didn’t believe me until we went into Target one day and I randomly struck up a conversation with the humdrum cashier guy who was ringing up my gum. Okay, so I didn’t just “strike up a conversation”. I literally went up to the guy and started running off at the mouth as though I’d known him since the day he’d flown out of his mother’s womb. I know that some people talk to random folks like that all the time, but I never do. Well, I rarely do. I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s face. He looked as though I’d sprouted golden wings and taken a crap right there in the checkout line (I mean, eyes bugging out and mouth gaping open)—it is that out of character for me to initiate a conversation with an unknown individual.
I still don’t know what made me want to talk to the guy. He looked like he was two seconds away from flipping everyone the bird and walking off the job, to be honest. I don’t think he muttered more than two words to us when we first approached him with our merchandise. He didn’t look friendly whatsoever, but I had liked his general vibe (and his watch), so I started talking to him. I don’t know that I’ve willingly spoken to a stranger since. LOL. That’s the problem with me. If I am in a sociable mood, I can talk your ear off…and then proceed to keep the convo going with your other ear. But if I’m not, goodbye! LOL.
Noooo… I’m not that bad. It just depends though. I’m all about evaluating people’s auras. If I immediately like your aura, then I’ll happily interact with you all day long. Otherwise, it may take me a really, really, really, really long time to warm up to you. Consider me a selective extrovert. Ideally, I’d like to be less “selectively social” and meet new people that share my interests (Lord knows I have millions of them). I figured that posting about my personal life in a more public way might help me do that. We shall see how that goes.
I’m A Fantasy Book With A Romance Novel Cover
Speaking of meeting people, meeting new folks has been a considerable challenge for me over the years. I sometimes feel as though other people are quick to make judgements about the type of person I am just by looking at me. I don’t get the chance to so much as open my mouth! I’ve heard everything from “You look unapproachable” to “You look like you’d be stuck up/bitchy/(insert negative adjective here)”, which is completely wrong. I mean, maybe I do look like that. After all, I can’t see myself. However, my personal character is not like that.
This is precisely why I have been reticent to post pictures of myself on here or on my social media accounts. Sometimes, when you present yourself a certain way, people start assuming you’re like everyone else who looks similar to you, which is obviously erroneous. I have spent the vast majority of my life purposely hanging out in the background, hiding my talents. Now that I feel comfortable enough to share them with people, I don’t want the things that I do to be overshadowed by people’s preconceptions. For once, I’d like people to simply like me for the person I am and the things I do without concerning themselves with how I might or might not be based on outer appearances alone.
Perhaps I’m asking too much. Maybe it is a futile aspiration. Today’s society is more visually influenced than ever before. What good is it for me to expect to be noticed for my talents alone? What am I even talking about now? Meh. Nevermind. I’ve lost interest. I do that sometimes. If I do end up doing these little daily musings posts (as though I could actually commit to doing them everyday), you’ll have to get used to my mercurial tendencies. I’m the type of person who will literally stop in mid-sentence after deciding that I’m over the topic I was talking about, leaving the listener hanging in the wind. That’s another reason why I am unsure about doing these kinds of posts more often. Surely, people won’t appreciate me jumping from topic to topic like a squirrel chasing a shiny thing. It’s erratic and disorganized. Oh well. I’m sorry in advance.
I’ve been meaning to give you guys a heads up on some things lately, but as usual, I’ve been too scattered and distracted to get around to it. My life is currently under serious renovation, which is why my posts have been so scanty and irregular lately. As much as I had intended to have a set posting schedule by now, it just isn’t going to be a thing anytime soon. In fact, I’ll be lucky to be able to post at all in the upcoming months. I’m going to do my very best to post whenever I can, but if I completely fall off the radar for a week or two at a time, please try to understand. I swear that I’m not just a lazy, irresponsible twit…I actually have a legitimate excuse for being so lackadaisical (that’s a first).
When it comes to serious posts (reviews and lifestyle articles), I have to be inspired. Maybe you can tell, but I’m extremely persnickety about those and like them to be done as well as I can manage. Well, as I’m sure you can imagine, that requires a lot of time, care and energy. Unfortunately, I’m fresh out of all three of those right now thanks to the ongoing things transpiring in my life. There are so many changes occurring at the moment that I seriously wonder if I even know what is going on right now, but they are good things—that much I do know. That being said, I’m on a semi-hiatus from this point forward, but I’ll be posting some cool stuff when I can. And when I can’t, I’ll be posting weird pictures and boring mind dumps like this. Lucky you 🙂
“Meat Is Murder!”
Hmm…now that I’m done making it sound as though I’m prepping for an extended stay at the funny farm, what else is going on in my life? Well, I’ve gone pescatarian. I sincerely tried to go vegan last summer and…that was a disaster. As much as I admire people who can commit to the lifestyle and as much as I believe in the movement, I simply can’t get over dairy.
I know, I know… “Dairy is addictive! Meat is murder!” Trust me, I’m totally aware of dairy’s addictive nature. And judging by my tastebuds’ affinity for ice cream cones and yummy melty cheese on my Mexican food, I don’t think they’re too worried about it. Perhaps one day I’ll ditch dairy, but for now, I’ve successfully abandoned meat.
When I was a child, I was quite nearly vegetarian. I couldn’t stand beef or pork and would rarely touch chicken. I’m not exactly sure how or why I outgrew that preference, but I’m right back at it. This time, I highly doubt that I’ll revert back to having carnivorous cravings. How long has it been now? A little over a week? I don’t miss it at all.
Watch, next week I’ll be stuffing chicken nuggets in my mouth.
Ich Spreche Deutsch…Kinda. Nah. Not Really.
I’m back to studying German. Yes, again. I’ve been trying to learn it for the last year or so, but it has been so hard to keep going. I get busy and then start slacking off. Ugh, but I love it so much! Why can’t I just wake up fluent? When I stick to it and practice on a daily basis, I’m really quite decent at it. I thought Spanish was easy, but this is truly such a natural language for me. I’m not even sure why I’m so intent on becoming fluent. It’s just something I must do.
The sky has to be blue.
The sun has to shine (until it burns out).
Dogs have to sniff other dogs’ butts.
And I have to become fluent in German.
Probably in that exact order.
Do I even know anyone who speaks German? I know, like, one person. We never talk either. Meh. Worst come to worst, I always figured I could get a German Shepherd and only teach it German commands like a police dog. Better than nothing. I’ve been trying to find a “language exchange partner”, but that’s been pretty fruitless. Everyone seems to speak Spanish or Japanese. I’ll keep looking, but for now, I’ll continue shouting random German phrases at Cami, expecting her to respond positively. She usually gives me a blank stare before continuing to lick herself. Hmmph. I guess it is safe to assume that she doesn’t speak German…
Interesting Thing I Learned Today: The Queen of England reportedly has four drinks a day. She is not even bothered.